Last year’s bestseller, “The Let Them Theory,” still has Vanderbilt students debating whether it is sage advice for a better life or a prescription for a life of loneliness and isolation.

Unfortunately, too many readers apply only half of the theory and hastily conclude that the book’s message isn’t for them. But when college students apply both parts of the theory — “Let them” and “Let me” — they can secure greater agency over their own lives while demonstrating to those around them how they can do the same. This is a modern-day “tough love” approach that could benefit every student.

Mel Robbins, a motivational speaker known for her work in the self-help community, released “The Let Them Theory” in December 2024 with her daughter, Sawyer Robbins. The book is a “step-by-step guide on how to stop letting other people’s opinions, drama and judgment impact your life.” It gives readers permission to see the truth in a life overrun by social media noise and decision fatigue.

Described by Oprah Winfrey as “everything I was trying to say for 25 years,” “The Let Them Theory” was the most purchased book of 2025. The author’s advice should not be accepted without criticism and caution, but if deeply considered, its message can help readers live more self-assured and honest lives.

Since its release, many fans have tattooed themselves with the phrase “Let Them,” claiming that these two words have freed them from a lifetime of absorbing others’ problems.

So, how do you prevent other people from living rent-free in your head? Robbins’ two-step approach suggests starting by telling yourself, “let them.” She counsels: “Whenever someone is doing something that you don’t like, let them. If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If there’s a person that you’re really attracted to, you’ve been dating for a while, but they’re not interested in a commitment with you, let them.”

We college students face these situations every day — the company that rejects you or the person you meet who doesn’t match your energy. In these moments, “let them” removes the impulse to take it personally, an instinct that would only invite conflict and self-doubt into situations that were never about us to begin with.

Further, Robbins says that by focusing on someone’s potential rather than their observable behavior, you aren’t allowing them to be themselves. Sticking around because of who you think they could become creates a situation where you try to control and manipulate them to get to an elusive future. “When you give somebody the freedom to be themselves, guess what happens? You see who they really are,” she says.

Which brings us to the important second step of the theory: saying “let me.” Though the book is titled “The Let Them Theory,” it’s not really about “them” at all. The key is remembering that you are the person with power. Now that you have allowed yourself to see others as they truly are — and not as they potentially are — you reclaim ownership over the one thing you can control, how you respond.

The key to the “let me” part of the “let them” theory is that you get to decide what to do next — whether that’s further investing in the relationship or not. The theory empowers the reader to refuse to see people as passion projects to work on, freeing the reader to maintain agency over what they do next.

As we start this new year with a moment of reflection, re-evaluating personal values is a worthwhile activity that can help inform what you do next. When you gain clarity about what’s important to you, standing up for yourself and others becomes the default.

Robbins’ highly appropriate emphasis on ownership clearly channels the message of the historical American literary figure Ralph Waldo Emerson. Especially in his 1841 essay “Self-Reliance,” Emerson asserts that personal empowerment and self-worth come from within, not from external sources. Both authors encourage readers to focus their energies on what they can control and to avoid the exhausting exercise of trying to manage everyone around them. Robbins’ modern application of his message lends her work more gravitas and moral legitimacy.

On campuses like Vanderbilt’s, students feel pressure to be impressive and liked, measuring themselves against a constant stream of Goldman Sachs internships on LinkedIn. Emerson and Robbins argue for the same corrective: stop outsourcing your sense of worth.

After applying the “let them” theory, many fans have reported feeling a newfound peace in their lives. Most notably, Robbins and her readers cite the large amount of time and energy that the two-word phrase frees up for them.

“I think the ‘let them’ theory can be helpful for people who put a lot of energy into trying to manage how others feel or behave,” Vanderbilt psychology major Mary Caroline Nolan said. “It’s a reminder to let go of control in situations where you don’t really have any.”

While many people report benefiting from the book, others have concerns.

“If everyone has this mindset, everyone will go through relationships that won’t be long-lasting — so what’s the point?” Hafsa Rana, a Vanderbilt Human and Organizational Development major, said. “Ideally we’d have a balance, where people are willing to spend extra time and effort on relationships in order to have change.”

Rana isn’t alone in her concerns. Robbins herself concedes that the book’s teachings risk turning people away from one another rather than bringing people closer. By applying the theory, one might begin to see their social circle shrink at first. In a world with record levels of loneliness, the consequences might not seem worth it.

“I think the ‘let them’ theory is a cop-out for when people know there are problems in a relationship but don’t want to address them directly,” Alima Kassim, a Vanderbilt student-athlete, said.

Even Nolan qualifies her support for the theory, cautioning against taking “a one-size-fits-all approach” and reminding that communication and setting boundaries matter more than just detaching.

In bits and pieces, these criticisms can seem valid, such as taking Robbins’ advice as permission to cut people out of their lives without further intervention and ending up more isolated. But readers who consider the totality of the framework will find that they can keep people in their lives who aren’t perfect. “Let them” isn’t about pushing people away; it’s about accepting people as they are.

After applying “let them” to your situation, the real decision becomes whether or not you can accept others for who they are today if nothing about them were ever to change. Robbins notes that people won’t change if they don’t feel like it.

So, if your answer is “no,” and you can’t accept someone in your life if they aren’t ready to change, then your connection, love and liking of them is conditional. That isn’t fair to either party. Don’t torture yourself and them by fighting for something that doesn’t exist.

Of course, there’s a difference between trying to change someone who doesn’t want to and holding a friend’s hand when they need you the most. “Let them” does not mean “let them suffer.” Instead, it’s intended for people in your life who demonstrate they aren’t open to change, maybe because they prefer complaining or aren’t willing to admit they need to. Still, let’s not use the theory as an excuse to be a poor friend.

Even with its drawbacks, Mel Robbins’ advice has helped millions of people, and it could be the thing that makes 2026 your best year yet. If you decide her advice works for you, just remember that “you are not responsible for rescuing people from their problems. Let them learn from life.”