Welcome to “Here for the Wrong Reasons,” where each week I’ll be recapping all of the champagne-guzzling and petty “Can I steal you for a second?”’s of Season 7 of “Bachelor in Paradise.” Nothing boosts your confidence about your own love life like watching a bunch of desperate 20-somethings competing for a stranger’s affection! Check in every Tuesday (or Wednesday, because this season is wilding) for episode recaps and updates on your favorite “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” rejects’ journeys to become Instagram influencers find love. 

Last week, we witnessed the Great Instagram Followers Debacle of 2021, and the beach is still dealing with the fallout. The double-whammy (and double-header episodes) knocked Bachelor Nation for a loop, and it’s with a sigh of relief that I inform you “Bachelor in Paradise” will be airing just one episode per week for the rest of the season. Unfortunately, ABC does not respect the hallowed tradition of Bachelor Mondays, so we’ve been bumped to Tuesdays to make way for NFL football. How rude.

Mr. and Mrs. Here for the Wrong Reasons

Chris and Alana got chased out of Paradise last week, but somehow, Brendan and Pieper are still here, even though their war crimes are, like, ten times worse. (Ten for the number of times they hung out before Paradise.) The pair spends most of their time off to themselves moping about Instagram followers, and we learn that Pieper has a master’s degree in marketing … considering the PR pickle she’s gotten herself into, I think it’s safe to say that those were poorly spent tuition dollars.

Grocery Store Joe (GSJ) and his angry mob to the rescue! GSJ, Deandra, Demi, Natasha and Jessenia confront Brendan and Pieper about their audacity, and Brendan is scrambling to defend himself. Our Romeo makes sure to let everyone know that his relationship with Natasha was “void of any romance” and then complains to the camera about “Joe and his mob of disgruntled females.” I beg your pardon? I’ll spare you the TED Talk I could give about the things wrong with that statement, but I’ll leave you with this: I officially cancel Brendan. 

Lucky for us, Brendan and Pieper finally seem to realize that Paradise is not, in fact, an all-expenses-paid couple’s resort, and they dip. Good riddance, and may they never get brand sponsorships again.

Couple status updates

As we all painfully witnessed last week, queen Becca Kufrin went on a date with Thomas, who could be a stunt double for a rodent. The date seems to have gone well, because Thomas officially dumps Tammy, who loses it. “I trusted you with everything, and now I feel like a fool for trusting you,” she sobs, and while I feel bad for her, this is literally how the show works. Definitely not a good birthday for her, though.

At one point, the camera pans to Kendall, GSJ’s ex, and sweetie cutie Ivan making out. We also see James (who is somehow still here?) and Tia kissing. Not sure when those pairs formed, but okay.

Mari has finally wrested Kenny out of the “love square,” and the two are going strong. They take a trip to the Boom Boom Room—BTW, I’d like to punch the producer who came up with that name—which has got to be awkward, seeing how Kenny slept with Demi in the exact same bed just days prior. Ah, Paradise. During the episode, there’s yet another casting call for eligible senior citizens, although there’s new tea: they specifically want a senior Bachelor. If things don’t work out with Mari, our favorite 40-year-old just has to wait another 25 years before he’s eligible!

The rose ceremony 

At the beginning of the rose ceremony, Wells emerges from behind the bar to offer Natasha her own rose, since she got so screwed over and deserves another chance at love. Awww. Then, the men hand out their roses. Here are the pairs: Riley and Maurissa, GSJ and Serena, Ivan and Kendall, Noah and Abigail, Kenny and Mari, James and Tia, Thomas and Becca and Aaron and Chelsea. This means that we say goodbye to Deandra, Tammy, Jessenia and—at long last—Demi! Pop the f*cking champagne. 

The ceremony concludes, and you know what that means … time for another washed-up celebrity guest host! Tonight, it’s out with Tituss Burgess and in with Lil Jon. I was expecting him to show up and make everyone do Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!, but instead, he makes a “to the beaches … to the balls” joke, which felt like a reach. 

Riley and Maurissa

These two had so many bizarre moments this episode that they’ve earned their own section. First, Maurissa plans a ~romantic escape~ for her and Riley, and she definitely took inspiration from Katie and Blake’s maple syrup moment. Here’s how their activity works: 1) choose a slip of paper with a body part written on it out of a bowl. 2) put whipped cream on your partner’s said body part. 3) lick the whipped cream off of your partner’s said body part. 4) make viewers worldwide want to throw up. My least favorite part was Maurissa sucking whipped cream off of Riley’s big toe. Never give away feet pics for free.

Since these two have a food kink, we also get a shot of them sharing a spaghetti noodle à la Lady and the Tramp. Fun fact: Riley is walking around the beach in fluffy koala slippers, probably because he wants to hide his big toe.

Blake and Tia’s date

There’s a surplus of Blakes in this franchise, and it’s getting hard to keep track. Blake Monar, who got sent home on the second episode of Clare’s season (if we can call her brief stint as Bachelorette a season), arrives on the beach and invites Tia out on a date. The two go riding on a four-wheeler, which feels right at home for Tia, the Weiner, Arkansas, native. They’ve got chemistry right away, but the mood is dampened (at least for the viewer) by the PDA. Blake strokes Tia’s knee with his thumb as she talks, which is just plain weird, and Tia declares that he makes her “vagina dance.” It’s better than when she referred to her genitals as her “china pot,” but only by a hair.

Dorky Doctor Joe

We’ve got another Joe in town, so obviously I’ve got to give him an acronym. Dr. Joe Park, or Dorky Doctor Joe (DDJ) is an anaesthesiologist who first appeared on Clare and Tayshia’s season and is overall very wholesome. His awkward skipping, fists on hips and criss-cross applesauce sitting stance do get a little, well, awkward, but we don’t call him DDJ for nothing. Someone notes that he, an anaesthesiologist, has “a relaxing energy,” which—though likely unintended—is an incredible pun. He invites Natasha on a date, and the two show up in lowkey matching red and white outfits. While enjoying margaritas the size of their heads, Natasha fills DDJ in on the whole Brendan debacle, and unfortunately for her, DDJ and Brendan are friends. DDJ mewls incredulously, “my Brendan??” and I want to crawl into a hole. I was really hoping that things would go well for these two, but Natasha’s toxic sorta-ex being one of his friends doesn’t sound like a recipe for success.

GSJ and Serena

These two haven’t really had a cute moment since Kendall arrived, and tonight’s the night to change that. The only catch is, GSJ and Serena are undeniably drunk. Like, plastered. GSJ’s face is as red as a stoplight and neither of them are speaking particularly coherently, except for when they tell each other that they’re falling in love with each other. I, a legal 21-year-old, have definitely said some questionable things after a few drinks, and something tells me that they’ll want to backtrack their declarations in the morning.

Serena also says that she thinks she’s more into him than he is her, which is … well, right. Though he appears to want to move on, GSJ still needs to heal from his breakup with Kendall, whose arrival on the beach definitely set him back weeks in therapy. Speaking of, Kendall sees our intoxicated GSJ and Serena kissing and promptly loses it. 

Per the teaser for next week’s episode, there’s a storm brewing—literally. Ominous weather is rolling in over Paradise, undoubtedly bringing ominous plot twists along with it. Tune in next Tuesday to see how the contestants weather the drama.