Welcome to “Here for the Wrong Reasons,” where each week I’ll be recapping all of the champagne-guzzling and petty “Can I steal you for a second?”s of the 26th season of “The Bachelor.” Nothing boosts your confidence about your own love life like watching a bunch of desperate 20-somethings competing for a stranger’s affection! Check in every week for episode recaps and updates on Clayton Echard’s journey to become an Instagram influencer find love.

Episode 5 left off teasing a two-on-one date with Genevieve and Shanae, effectively dangling a tantalizing piece of catnip for all of us in the anti-Shanae camp. Will Shanae stay? Will she go? Either way, just one woman gets the rose. Read on to find out if peace is restored … and if it’s restored for good.

Two-on-one with Shanae and Genevieve

Shanae goes into the two-on-one with a plan: destroy Genevieve’s credibility to save her own reputation, even if none of her claims would pass a lie detector test. She sits Clayton down to discuss “the Genevieve situation,” saying, “it’s hard to trust her, you know?” Shanae first alleges that she overheard Genevieve saying that she wants to go home and is ready to pack her bags before turning on the waterworks. Clayton is immediately sympathetic and suspicious of Genevieve’s motives, meaning that Shanae’s “plan went off without a hitch” (her words, not mine). To celebrate, Shanae tells the camera, “Tears, tears, tears, whoo, tears, hashtag tears. Dude, they’re hard to come by—I was like, ‘come on Shanae, cry,’ and I did.” Shockingly, #tears did not trend on Twitter following this episode. 

Every episode, I think that Clayton’s judgment can’t possibly get worse, but he’s proven me wrong each time. He pulls both women aside together to ask Genevieve, “are you an actress, and are you lying to me?” A befuddled Genevieve tells him that she has no idea why he asked that, prompting a flustered Clayton to excuse himself to think through the three whole thoughts bouncing around in that huge head of his. As Clayton is processing, Shanae has the audacity to tell Genevieve what she said, and Genevieve more or less says, “F*ck you.” 

During his break, Clayton came to a conclusion—or at least asked a producer to make one for him—so he returns to the women and utters the magic words: “Shanae, I’m so sorry, but I cannot find it in my heart to give you this rose.” For my part, I can’t find it in my heart to give Shanae any more attention, so I’ll leave you with this: when the producer takes Shanae’s suitcase out of the hotel suite, the women cheer Genevieve’s name and pop bottles of champagne, with Marlena toasting to “finally curing the herpes outbreak.” 

Cocktail party and rose ceremony

At the cocktail party, Clayton once again cannot stop licking his lips, making me wonder why none of the producers have given this man a damn tube of chapstick. Nothing too memorable happens during the cocktail party, but Rachel and Clayton are very obviously into each other and Mara feeds him poutine to get his attention because she’s desperate.

Clayton sends Marlena and Hunter packing at the rose ceremony, prompting one of the funniest things to happen in Bachelor Nation as of late. Hunter’s sister, Holland, tweeted a screenshot of a Venmo request she sent to Clayton, charging him $1 for “dumping my sister on her bday” and $1 for “her having to watch it on valentines.” Clayton completed the Venmo request.

The next day, Clayton and the women jet off to their first non-North American destination: Hvar, Croatia.

One-on-one with Teddi

Teddi, who received the First Impression Rose but had yet to have a one-on-one date with Clayton, gets the coveted first date in Hvar. Teddi is thrilled, but Mara, who also has yet to receive a one-on-one or a group date rose, is pissed. As thunder rolls into Hvar, she notes that the other girls are only “girlfriend material,” while she—at the ripe old age of 32—is wifey-level.

Much like Sarah’s one-on-one in Toronto, Teddi and Clayton explore the city of Hvar on their date. They eat ice cream in the rain, stop in some shops and smell lavender. Clayton also refers to himself as a “big dog.” 

At dinner, Teddi reveals to Clayton that she’s a virgin (no “Bachelor” season is complete without one). She shares that her mom got pregnant at 18, so she felt a lot of pressure not to do the same. She says that she’s thought through it, and is no longer waiting for marriage, but is waiting for love. Clayton—who really needs to take “Intro to Reading the Room” next semester—responds by saying, “I would have never known.” Maybe because Teddi wasn’t wearing a “Virginity Rocks!” graphic tee this whole time? 

While he tells Teddi that her virginity doesn’t affect how he feels about her, the context clues suggest otherwise: I think Clayton might be a little too into the idea of potentially taking her virginity. “It is exciting to know that I could be the first person she falls in love with … to think that I could be her first of many things,” he tells the camera. I have no publishable commentary to make on this.

Knight group date

Serene, Rachel, Susie, Gabby, Eliza, Genevieve and Mara are invited on this week’s group date, meaning that Sarah will be getting her second one-on-one. Clayton and these seven women go on a knight-themed date, which is all about honor, virtue, respect and a whole lot of things I don’t think Clayton actually has. Ever the discerning narrator, our Bachelor notes that “This is the first group date without Shanae,” as if I could forget the only good thing to happen all season.

First, the women compete in a physical challenge, in which pairs face off against each other, trying to edge each other out of a circle with their shields. Next, they taste various knightly delicacies, including pig’s liver, cow’s stomach, pig brains and fish eyes. (I had to rewatch this scene later because I was eating dinner the first time around.) Finally, each woman has to write and recite a knight’s creed. Personally, my favorite line was Genevieve’s nod to the “evil shrimp dragon” she defeated, but Mara declares that each of the other women’s creeds are “lame” and “bland.” Mara’s creed rhymes, which she thinks somehow guarantees her a reward, but instead, Serene is crowned the “true knight.” Somewhere, Mara is looking for a parapet off of which to hurl herself.

At the afterparty, Clayton basically tells Rachel that she’s going to hometowns, and in exchange, she drops the first “I’m falling for you” of the season. Mara goes off at Clayton for not liking her, saying that she’s ready to commit and be a wife while other women are not. As always, Clayton chooses the absolute worst question to ask: “What is it specifically about these women … that you know that they’re not here for a marriage?” While any seasoned viewer of this show would tell you it’s better to focus on your own connection with the Bachelor—given that you’re actually into the Bachelor—rather than put down other women, Mara does not seem to have gotten this memo. Instead, she throws Sarah, who is 23 years old and the youngest one in the house, under the bus for being too young and unprepared for an engagement. (Have you considered that maybe it’s a you problem rather than an age problem, Mara?)

Predictably, Rachel gets the date rose, which Mara is irate about. She doesn’t understand why she didn’t get the rose because she told him how she feels … which entailed sh*tting on his choice of women, so I can’t say his choice was entirely out of left field. 

Midnight rendezvous

No illicit nighttime meet-up will ever trump Forehead Ed’s accidental trip to Chris Harrison’s hotel room when he meant to visit Tayshia, and this one certainly proved that. Clayton receives a mysterious note that reads, “Clayton, meet me at the clock tower.” He leaves his hotel room on high alert, likely expecting Shanae to resurface or Mara to pop out from the shadows to remind her that she’s older, and therefore, more mature. However, it’s sweet and smiley Susie—the Hannah B. lookalike—who’s waiting for him. She intimates in an interview that she feels like she’s falling behind and thus has to throw a Hail Mary, so she tells Clayton that she’s falling in love with him, a season first. Clayton is thrilled with this news, although I can’t discern if it’s because Susie said she’s falling in love with him or because Mara didn’t jump out from a dark corner and stab him in the ribs.

One-on-one with Sarah

After Mara’s discussion with Clayton on the group date about certain women—including Sarah—not being ready for an engagement, the Bachelor isn’t quite sure what to do on his second one-on-one with Sarah. As has been the pattern this episode and all of this season, Clayton accepts gossip as the gospel truth and asks Sarah whether she’s really ready for an engagement. Note to Clayton: You don’t have to take things at face value, dude! Ever heard of something called “lying”? Also, note to Mara: you might be older, but that doesn’t mean you’re more mature, as evidenced by the tacky bejeweled high school prom dresses you wear to cocktail parties.

Sarah is distraught about this accusation, sobbing to Clayton about how she never said anything about not being ready for marriage, and how she is, in fact, really into him. I’ve got to hand it to Sarah—over the course of this date (if you can call it that), she is never without a tear in her eye; while Shanae might openly admit to her fake #tears, I actually somewhat buy Sarah’s, at least for now. She’s only two years older than I am, so I hope for her sake that she’s just here for the Instagram clout and free trips. 

At dinner, a teary-eyed Sarah tells Clayton how upset she is that someone would tell this “blatant lie,” and he immediately gives her the date rose. Much like the material he’s named after, Clayton is incredibly malleable.

As Sarah returns to the hotel after her date, she declares that Mara made “a bitch-ass move, but it was weak. Like, at least try harder.” The promo for the rest of the season teases a blowup between the oldest and youngest contestants next episode, with Sarah saying, “I’m gonna go find a vase for my rose, and you can book your ticket home.” Does age really equal maturity? Will Clayton ever grow a backbone? Tune in to the next recap to find out.