Welcome to “Here for the Wrong Reasons,” where each week I’ll be recapping all of the champagne-guzzling and petty “Can I steal you for a second?”s of the 16th season of “The Bachelorette.” Nothing boosts your confidence about your own love life like watching a bunch of desperate 20-somethings competing for a stranger’s affection! Check in every Wednesday for episode recaps and updates on Tayshia Adams’s journey to become an Instagram influencer find love. Make your picks in Vanderbilt’s (very un)official Bachelorette Fantasy League.
On this week’s episode of “The Bachelorette,” all of the usual suspects are back: “grown ass men” fighting like children, shocking revelations about the guys’ pasts and Tayshia being a boss b*tch even though she has to wear ball gowns, like, all the time. We also have this season’s added twist of some actual depth, which is almost too much to handle on a show where people say “I love you” after approximately two minutes of knowing each other. We’re going to have to mark our calendars for new episodes next Monday and Tuesday. Double the episodes, double the drama. Buckle up, Bachelor Nation.
Two-on-one with Bennett and Noah
This is by far the lamest two-on-one date this show has ever had. Remember when JoJo took caveman Chad and angry elf Alex W. on a hike in the woods and ditched Chad? Or when Chris Soules left both Ashley I. and Kelsey stranded in the desert? All we got last night was a passive-aggressive conversation on a hotel couch. Yet another thing 2020 has taken away from us. Anyway, Tayshia is sick of Bennett and Noah’s childish squabbling and is here to decide which of them to send to time-out. Bennett is wearing white sneakers instead of his usual loafers…clearly he’s off his game tonight. He does have a good line about how he’d rather double down on the Vegas lotto than bet Noah would end up with Tayshia. I mean, he’s not wrong…Noah has the emotional intelligence of a first-grader who eats glue. Tayshia claps back at Bennett, though, informing him: “You don’t have the right to tell somebody else that I will not end up with them.” You tell him, girl. Is there really an 11-year difference between these two guys? They’re both acting like babies.
Tayshia tells Noah that he’s the common denominator between all of the drama in the house, and I’m kinda pissed that there’s math terminology interrupting my deliciously vapid reality TV show. After Bennett and Noah bicker even more, Tayshia comes over to quash the drama. She sends Bennett home (my heart breaks) and Noah sticks around, though he doesn’t get the date rose, because Tayshia doesn’t think he’s ready for marriage. I mean, duh?
Cocktail party
Brendan is still wearing turtlenecks with his suits. I know they say “modest is hottest,” but I’m starting to think he straight up does not have a neck. Riley steals Tayshia away first to wish her a happy one-week anniversary, and they feed each other cake. Get a room. Zac brings Tayshia a framed picture from their faux-wedding photoshoot last episode. At one point during the cocktail party, Tayshia asks a group of guys if she can join them in a voice I can only assume is her best Borat impression. It’s time for the rose ceremony, and we say goodbye to Ed (FINALLY!), Spencer and Demar. If you’re sad about Demar going home, don’t worry—there’s plenty of Demar content on his TikTok.
One-on-one with Ben
JoJo—who is still substituting for Chris Harrison—comes in and announces that it’s a week until hometowns, and the guys collectively pee their pants. Ben gets a one-on-one, and the other guys are visibly happy for him, which is really cute. The bromances on this show are real.
JoJo sends Ben and Tayshia off on a scavenger hunt around the resort. Since this bizarre season has tragically taken away the traditional helicopter rides, they get to ride around on RAZR scooters. Spot the difference. Ben has to take off his pants to fetch one of the clues from a fountain because we are still. not. done. with the nudity this season. Tayshia looks great with her hair pulled back in a frizzy messy bun, which is honestly just rude.
On the way to the night portion of the date, Ben compliments her shoes, pulls her chair out for her and tells her that he asked for a bottle of the hotel’s “finest red,” because this man is a king (even though I’m pretty sure it was Franzia). Following this season’s theme of talking about actual feelings and important issues, Ben bravely reveals that he attempted suicide twice in the past. This may be the most real this show has ever gotten, which is incredible to see. Tayshia takes this big reveal in stride, sweetly telling Ben that “I see you, I hear you, I’m still here.” Bachelor Nation is now just a bunch of heart eyes emojis. Before the next commercial break, there’s a PSA (dubbed by Chris Harrison, obviously) with the number for the national suicide hotline. I’m not sure why this season is the woke-est yet, but maybe it’s because the guys have had plenty of time for introspection during quarantine?
As per usual, the show brings in obscure musicians who might just be randos the producers pulled off the street to perform for the couple. Of course, Tayshia pretends to know who the singer is, but her blank expression gives her away. I mean, she has to be bad at something, right?
Group date
Next, we finally get to see the group date that we’ve been teased with for weeks. Zac, Brendan, Ivan, Noah and Riley are subjected to a lie detector test right in front of the girl they’re competing for. Can you imagine having the power to interrogate all the guys on your roster? The biggest reveals are that Zac has cheated (uh oh) and that Riley’s name…isn’t Riley? Obviously, Tayshia needs to dig a little deeper during the night portion of the date. She pulls Zac aside and reveals that her first marriage ended because of infidelity, and she will not date a cheater. He tells her that he cheated on his first girlfriend by meeting up with another girl at a bowling alley and French-kissing her. What a tasteful joke Zac, you really got her there!
Brendan and Tayshia (our resident divorcées) get mushy on a couch, basically securing his spot at hometowns. Next up we have a dramatic silhouette shot of Riley crying to himself, so it looks like we’re about to find out why his name isn’t actually Riley. Here’s the story: Riley used to be named after his father, Dwayne Henderson Jr., who had sole custody of him. Apparently, this custody was unfairly determined, and Riley had been fed lies about his mom throughout his childhood. At age 22, he had a falling out with his dad, reconnected with his mom and got a legal name change. Seriously, what is with the poignant origin stories on this season? Tayshia says she is not going to give out a date rose and is going to wait until the next ceremony because she needs more time. Once more for the people in the back: we love a woman who takes her time.
Tayshia started off the season with some fire outfits, but recently her fashion has been getting more and more questionable. For this date, she’s wearing a cross between Victoria’s Secret Angel lingerie and a wedding dress. Also, JoJo questions the guys while wearing a hot pink jumpsuit. If I went to prison, that is exactly what I’d want to wear.
Because all of the other guys have been on dates this week, it means that Blake gets a one-on-one next episode. Honestly, I forgot he was here, probably because he’s been hiding in his room sticking pins in his voodoo doll of Clare. Blake says that he thinks that he and Tayshia would be a great match, which is funny because they have never, ever spoken. I’ve said this before, but someone please give me the confidence of a very mediocre dude.
Bennett is back
You didn’t think you’d seen the last of Harvard graduate, Hamptons house-owning, loafers-wearing Bennett, did you? Tayshia nearly falls over at the sight of him. He apologizes for making her question her decision-making abilities by whipping out his Harvard vocabulary (or maybe just Thesaurus.com): “Our goodbye was so bizarre, so surreal, I couldn’t even fathom what just happened.” I guess he didn’t get enough Instagram sponsorships the first time around, so he tells her he loves her (WTF) and asks to stay. Tayshia (who has sense) is like, “let me walk you out, buddy.” She gushes that it means absolutely everything that he said he loved her, buttttt she still sends him home. Uh, okay? Nothing about this pairing makes sense anyway, so let’s go with it.
Well, I hope you’re strapped in for the rest of this season, because “The Bachelorette” is airing twice next week. It’s finally hometowns after the next rose ceremony, and as Tayshia says at the end of the episode, “What in the actual hell?” I’m not sure how we’ve gotten this far along in the season—it’s down to seven men—and I’m especially unsure of how they’re going to contrive hometown dates in a pandemic. This week’s end-of-the-episode blooper features Ed (RIP) and Tayshia doing face masks because Tayshia works in “the beauty and lifestyle space.” Ed says that he can see this being his typical Friday night with Tayshia: chilling out, doing face masks and watching Dateline…cue *don’t be suspicious*. Honestly, Ed looks better with the mask on. Stay tuned for Monday to find out if he emerges dewy and glowing for the rose ceremony.
