Welcome to “Here for the Wrong Reasons,” where each week I’ll be recapping all of the champagne-guzzling and petty “Can I steal you for a second?”s of Season 7 of “Bachelor in Paradise.” Nothing boosts your confidence about your own love life like watching a bunch of desperate 20-somethings competing for a stranger’s affection! Check in every Tuesday (or Wednesday, because this season is wilding) for episode recaps and updates on your favorite “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” rejects’ journeys to become Instagram influencers find love.
We’re back with another double-header, and this one was a doozy. This week was full of breakups, love triangles and several trips to the Boom Boom Room (Yes, they call it that. And yes, it’s what it sounds like.) I daresay it’s the most dramatic week (of this season) ever. So, let’s discuss.
Monday Night
Double date
Chasen—of “smokeshow” fame—and Chris—of no fame whatsoever—arrive on the beach arm-in-arm, because apparently they have a bromance going on. They ask Deandra and Jessenia, respectively, out on a double date, sending Karl and sweetie cutie Ivan straight into their respective bags. The date takes place on a triple XL bed with an “intimacy guru” present, so yes, they return to the beach with a copy of the Kama Sutra in hand. Jessenia reveals that she gets turned on by a guy breathing on her décolletage, in case anyone was wondering. Jessenia and Mr. Nobody Chris make out with fruit in their mouths, which, as a professional fruit hater, makes me want to vomit.
Mari-Kenny-Demi love triangle
You all know my stance on Demi by now, and she somehow out-Demis herself in this episode. Kenny—the 40-year-old not-virgin—and Mari have been an item for awhile, so obviously Demi has to homewreck. She pulls Kenny aside and they start making out, while Mari’s eyes bug right out of her head. In Kenny’s defense, Mari had just told him that she’d be open to going on a date with another guy, should he ask her, which seemed to come as a shock to our resident boy band manager. Clearly, he needed a rebound.
Later in the episode, though, the triangle comes to a, well, 60-degree point? Demi throws Kenny a belated 40th birthday party because she needs to stay relevant, and Kenny eats that sh*t up—metaphorically speaking, because Mari throws his birthday cake in the fire. Demi says, “Mari wants to have her cake and eat it too, so she threw mine in the fire,” which is a good sign that she’s finally figured out her cake analogies. Demi gives Kenny a ~birthday treat~ in the Boom Boom Room, then petty Kenny announces that he and Mari are officially over right before the rose ceremony, which is so out of pocket.
Connor-Maurissa-Riley love triangle
We’ve got another love triangle here as well, although this one is for sure scalene. Connor is head-over-heels for Maurissa, but homegirl only has eyes for Riley. This is fair, because Maurissa and Riley spent the previous night in the Boom Boom Room, and let’s just say they were the last ones up and at ‘em on the beach in the morning. She also notes that Riley is a good kisser, which is undoubtedly a dig at Connor. Connor asks her to hang out that night, to which she responds, “I don’t know, we’ll see how the day goes. Just play it out.” While I, too, would have chosen Riley over troubadour Connor, let’s just go ahead and rip off the break-up bandaid already, Maurissa!
Aaron-Tammy-Thomas love triangle
Ah, yet another complicated situation. I’m not even going to attempt a triangle pun on this one, because I’m fairly certain none of them passed high school geometry. Tammy, who thus far has been coupled up with hot-but-very-bothered Aaron, takes Aaron’s sworn enemy, Thomas, to the daybed to make out with, without so much as glancing at Aaron. Aaron is unwell, and even more so than usual. Tre comforts him by saying that “she definitely displayed human trash bag behavior,” because he has a real way with words.
Grocery Store Joe (GSJ) and Serena P.’s wrestling date
Next up are our two unproblematic faves (please don’t prove me wrong, guys). At dinner, GSJ tells Serena that if he’s not meeting or dating anyone promising, he doesn’t need to be here. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe this is how contestants on this show were supposed to act once upon a time, before it became all about Instagram #ads. GSJ is scarred by his last BIP experience, which he left in a relationship with Kendall Long, but tells Serena that the reason for their split was simple geography. I don’t know if I buy this, but we’ve seen promos teasing Kendall’s appearance on the beach, so I assume we’ll get to the bottom of it sooner rather than later. Then, GSJ and Serena don ridiculous wrestling costumes and head into a ring, because why not, and Serena easily beats him like the queen she is.
Other memorable moments
Brendan and Natasha’s massage
Natasha is in her head about the fact that she and Brendan haven’t kissed yet, so she gives him a massage, obviously hoping for a happy ending. (I meant a kiss, you pervs!) Brendan declares that he is “the sweatiest man in America,” while he is, in fact, in Mexico, but Natasha gets the kiss she was gunning for, so good for her. I loved Brendan on Tayshia’s season, but something about him on BIP is just so douchey.
Tahzjuan’s breakdown
This one hurts my heart. I don’t think anyone on this franchise has ever been as entertaining as Tahz, but she’s pulling a Week 1 GSJ and really going through it. We see her on the beach saying, “Tahz can’t pee, Tahz can’t poop, Tahz can’t do anything,” which sounds unpleasant? She then orders spaghetti to deal with her feelings like the relatable queen she is. Keep fighting, girl, we need you.
Jessenia and Ivan
In a plot twist that no one saw coming, Jessenia returns from her date with Chris and promptly breaks Ivan’s spirit. She tells him that he checks her boxes, but there’s no spark, while with Chris, there’s a spark. [Insert: sound of my shattering heart.]
Karl and Chasen’s pissing match around Deandra
There’s nothing we love more here on HFTWR than toxic masculinity! Luckily, we get a big fat dose of it in this episode. Karl tries to ~reclaim~ Deandra after her date with Chasen, because obviously, women are property who can be bribed with tacky Pandora bracelets from Florida. Good job, Karl! Chasen is none too pleased, probably because he thinks Deandra is the best smokeshow he’ll ever get.
The biggest reveal
You didn’t think I’d forget the highly important campfire discussion, did you? Prior to Mari throwing Kenny’s cake in the fire, the contestants discussed the craziest places they’ve ever had sex, which included: James, on a trampoline (bouncy!); Abigail, on a golf course (don’t make a hole-in-one joke… don’t make a hole-in-one joke…); Tre, in a cemetery (#DahmerVibes); and Kenny, on a Ferris wheel (I told you he wasn’t a 40-year-old virgin).
Tuesday Night
It’s the second day of our double-header, and Lil Jon’s season promo voiceovers are making me ill. This is the only time I’ll say this, but bring back Chris Harrison for this purpose and this purpose only, ABC. I’m begging.
Pre-rose ceremony jitters
So, Aaron needs anger management! He’s still livid that Tammy chose Thomas over him—which, frankly, is valid, because just look at Thomas’ face—and he does not have a healthy outlet for his emotions. He does call Thomas a “corny little b*tch boy,” which I am adding to my own vocabulary ASAP.
Chasen decides to one-up Karl by giving Deandra a necklace, and she promptly returns the bracelet Karl gave her the previous night, which has got to hurt. The most egregious part of this jewelry fiasco is that the guys gave her silver jewelry to go with the rest of her gold collection. Ew.
Then, out of the blue, Tre ends things with Tahz. I mean, I guess it’s kind of awkward when your girlfriend used to date your uncle, but still. I guess you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, Tre.
Lance Bass bids the contestants adieu, but not before introducing THE entrance of the season—our season 14 Bachelorette, Becca Kufrin! I don’t say this a lot, but Becca is one of the few people on this franchise that I think I’d actually get along with IRL, and she’s just as approachable and normal as I remember her. She is the first former Bachelorette to ever grace this beach (we won’t mention her problematic ex-fiancé here), since Bachelorettes historically have had more permanent success than Bachelors do, because duh.
In the most heart-wrenching twist of the season, Tahz self-eliminates, so be prepared for the rest of the season to be significantly less funny. Feel free to take a reading break to grab a tissue.
Rose ceremony
The women have “the power” this week, meaning they’re handing out the roses. After the ceremony, here are the duos: Natasha and Brendan; Maurissa and Riley; Serena P. and Joe; Abigail and Noah; Jessenia and Chris; Tammy and Thomas; Demi and Kenny; Mari and James; Deandra and Ivan; and Becca and Aaron. This means that creepy Karl, frat boy Chasen and whiny boy Connor go home.
There is SO much to unpack here, so let’s dive in. First of all, Deandra pulls the *ultimate* power move by choosing Ivan—who wholeheartedly deserves another chance in Paradise—over Karl and Chasen, who were treating her more like a prize (or dare I say a rose?) to be won, rather than the badass woman she is. Then, we’ve got Tammy choosing Thomas over Aaron, even though he looks like the mouse from “Flushed Away;” Demi choosing Kenny, undoubtedly to Mari’s chagrin; and Becca choosing Aaron, a relationship which cannot last because I will throw hands.
Tia and Kenny’s date
Our next arrival is Tia Booth from Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s season of “The Bachelor”—you’ll remember she’s from the iconic town of Weiner, Arkansas. Tia’s been in Paradise before, when she dated Colton Underwood on season 5 of BIP prior to him coming out. She pulls Kenny aside to chat, and they discuss Nashville, where Kenny has apparently managed his boy band at Tin Roof. Gotta love a 615 shoutout! Tia then asks him on a date, and I’m really not sure when he became such a hot commodity, but okay?
Anyway, they get super lucky and get to play nude beach volleyball with strangers! My only question is, did it hurt? You know, when they got UTIs from playing nude beach volleyball? Then, Tia calls vaginas “china pots,” which is brand-new slang in my book, and declares, “Now we’re seeing full freaking labia…I read my Bible this morning!” (I’m praying for her church group watching this.). Kenny can’t stop looking at the tree tattoo in his opponent’s crotch region, for what it’s worth. When she learns that Kenny has been talking to Demi, Tia is rightfully scared, especially because today, Demi is sporting some wack eyeliner that belongs in 2016. Major Hot Topic vibes.
Abigail and Noah
Speaking of wack eyeliner, we’re finally reminded that Abigail and Noah are still here, and, apparently, still together. The mood is really weird during their conversation, though, and I have a bad feeling that a breakup is looming next week.
Just when you thought that the drama had died down, Kendall Long—our beloved GSJ’s ex-girlfriend—arrives in Paradise. If there’s one thing I know about this show, it’s that it escalates quickly, so buckle up for next week, Bachelor Nation!
