Welcome to “Here for the Wrong Reasons,” where each week I’ll be recapping all of the champagne-guzzling and petty “Can I steal you for a second?”s of the 16th season of “The Bachelorette.” Nothing boosts your confidence about your own love life like watching a bunch of desperate 20-somethings competing for a stranger’s affection! Check in every Wednesday for episode recaps and updates on Clare Crawley’s journey to become an Instagram influencer find love. Make your picks in Vanderbilt’s (very un)official Bachelorette Fantasy League.

Last night, “The Bachelorette” officially blew up. Seriously, every single plot twist that we’ve been waiting for since early August finally happened in the span of two hours. So much went down that I don’t quite know how I feel about the episode, so let’s jump straight into the recap.

Convo with Chris Harrison

Chris Harrison shows up at Clare’s hotel room and pulls out the: “we need to talk.” He tells her that the other guys know she’s over them and that she can’t go on ditching them for Dale 24/7, because that’s rude and she should have learned that in kindergarten. Clare admits that she social media stalked her contestants over quarantine and has had her eye on Dale ever since, since he “meets me on the level, emotionally, of what I’m looking for,” because obviously Instagram is a great way to get to know someone’s authentic personality. She’s made up her mind, and, knowing that he’s just stumbled on reality TV gold, Chris—looking like a kid in a candy shop—allows her to effectively quit being the Bachelorette. Clare performs her usual magic trick of making the other guys disappear: no cocktail party, no rose ceremony, no Bachelorette anywhere in sight.

Clare and Dale

I am way too excited that this is the last time I have to write about these two. Just thinking about them makes me yawn. Anyway, Clare jilts all her other men to go on an impromptu dinner date with Dale to find out if her feelings for him are mutual. I feel like it’s a little rash to ghost all the other guys on your roster before you’re even sure your number 1 likes you, but God help us if we ever figure out what goes on in Clare’s brain. On the date, Dale robotically spits out Hallmark greeting card clichés such as “I felt that” and “I’m here for the journey” while Clare undresses him with her eyes. The love birds bond over having deceased parents and we learn that Clare’s mom and late father got engaged after three weeks, which really connects the dots between her desperation to bag Dale and her daddy issues. Then, they slow dance to a performance by Bri and Chris from the god-awful franchise spinoff “The Bachelor Presents: Listen To Your Heart,” which LITERALLY NO ONE ASKED FOR.

Cut to Clare and Dale waking up in the same bed without so much as a fantasy suite invitation. This season is really back on its bucking tradition bullsh*t, because we don’t even get to see them awkwardly open an envelope with a hotel key and a note from “Chris Harrison” (A.K.A. a producer) about “forgoing your individual rooms.” Disappointments are coming at us right and left this season. We do get a nice close up of the tattoo Dale has on his left pec, though, and Clare declares that she never wants him to leave…like, ever. In a talking head interview, Clare gushes that “Dale is the type of man you get when you refuse to settle.” Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like getting engaged after three episodes of a reality dating show might just define “settling.” At least she’s happy?

The Proposal (Yes, seriously, there’s a proposal already)

After their date, Clare tells Chris Harrison that Dale is The One because she hasn’t had to beg him to love her (which apparently she’s had to do in the past), so Chris goes to Dale’s room and delivers him an ultimatum: propose by the end of the day, or else. For once, Dale shows evidence of actual human logic and is hesitant to propose to a woman mere hours after sleeping with her for the first time, but of course he eventually gives into “the process.” Since we’re already breaking traditions here, I was hoping Dale would break the tacky Neil Lane tradition and buy a ring that doesn’t look like it was purchased for 50 cents from a mall gumball machine, but no such luck. He picks the most gauche option available.

Clare shows up to the proposal—can you imagine literally scheduling your proposal ahead of time? I’ll bet you $10 she wrote it down on her calendar—wearing a long white dress with a really high slit that basically makes her look like she’s ready to compete in an ice dancing competition. This is how the proposal went: “Clare, will you marry me? Also…what’s your middle name? Are you more of a tacos or spaghetti kind of person?” Listen, I’ve seen a lot of awkward engagements on this show, but the interactions between these two are so cringe-inducing that it feels like watching two D-list actors rehearse a proposal scene. Also, if you have to thank the man who just proposed to you for showing up, that’s a little something called a red flag. Or maybe it’s just sad, I don’t know. Unsurprisingly, Clare is already calling herself Clare Moss—I told you a few weeks ago she’s been doodling it in her diary—and I would be 0% surprised if she has “Future Mrs. Moss ?” in her Instagram bio by now.

Bachelorette Coup D’État

After the proposal, Chris Harrison informs the rest of the guys that Clare has permanently swiped left on all of them and that they should get over her by tonight, ‘cuz there’s gonna be a new Bachelorette in town. Jason is distraught that he “opened up” so much to Clare—by revealing that girls think he’s manipulative—and Blake breaks out the crazy eyes. The other guys put on an almost convincing display of mourning, which is hilarious because none of them ever talked to Clare for more than five minutes. 

Then, finally, the moment we’ve been waiting for: queen Tayshia steps out of the limo, tosses her perfect hair and struts over to chat with Chris Harrison, while inside, the guys are going crazy (literally, in the case of Blake’s eyes) with anticipation. Tayshia has been married and divorced before, so here’s to hoping she takes this a little more seriously than “I have to beg for love” Clare, but knowing the types of people who go on this show, I’m not too confident. In true Bachelor franchise fashion, the producers gyp us and end the episode four minutes after Tayshia’s arrival. We’ve already invested eight hours into their sh*tshow of a season, so this feels unnecessarily cruel. Stay tuned for next week when Tayshia meets Clare’s sloppy seconds!