Most people think of foreplay as simply the sexual activities leading up to sexual intercourse. So, for the most part, that includes kissing, touching, fondling, mutual masturbation, manual sex and oral sex. However, that definition is heteronormative because it assumes that any sex that doesn’t include a penis going into a vagina is not actual sex, but things meant to lead up to it. Or worse, that it is unimportant. It’s like saying that vaginal or anal intercourse is an entree, while everything else are just sides. While this might be the case for some, for others foreplay is a crucial aspect of the journey that is sex and might encompass the entire sexual experience.

Though foreplay, or outercourse, or whatever you want to call it is often glossed over, it is really important for two reasons:

1) Taking your time during the sexual encounter allows both partners to get to know each other’s bodies. Foreplay allows you to connect with your partner for a significant amount of time, if you go slowly, and creates intimacy which is not always sexual. According to research, there are erogenous zones all over the body that differ in women and men that can trigger sexual arousal. The nipples, anus and even back of the neck all have nerve endings which can be stimulated to create pleasurable moments. Foreplay represents a perfect opportunity to explore not only your partners body, but your own so you can find out just what turns you on in both that moment and for future purposes.

2) Whether it’s a casual hook-up or a relationship, foreplay can help to ensure that all parties involved are having fun and reach that big moment. Arousal is super important for getting the party started, but everyone’s engine doesn’t start automatically. Sometimes we need to be warmed up and that’s perfectly normal. Foreplay helps blood flow to the genitals and increases lubrication in the vagina, so that if intercourse does occur, it is all the more comfortable. It also communicates that you’re willing to give the necessary time and attention, which in of itself can be attractive.

Some people like no frills and want to drive straight into intercourse while others enjoy taking their time and engaging in everything under the moon. Whether or not you choose to engage in foreplay is a matter of personal preference. But, it is critical to remember that foreplay can be as equally satisfying if you make it that way.