*In the voice of Bernie Sanders*
Hullo, people of the internet. It’s me, Bernie Sanders. I have just come here to say that these power rankings are unfair and have the interests of Wall Street behind them.
These rankings are rigged!
If I were elected, I would place an eleventy billion percent tax on the Vanderbilt Hustler and put that money toward free tuition for Alabama students.
Anyways, here are said power rankings, along with each presidential candidate the school represents.
1. Alabama
Presidential Candidate: Hillary Clinton
Yes, I think most residents of Alabama would rather eat their own hand than vote for Clinton, but the Crimson Tide have every facet of Clinton’s reputation nailed down: They’re big, they’ve won before, they’ve been around for a while and probably have a million scandals that they’re trying desperately to cover up.
Oh come on, you’re telling me they’ve been this good for this long without any money under the table or records deleted? Give me a break.
As long as Crooked Nick Saban and Goofy Lane Kiffin are in charge in Tuscaloosa, nothing will change.
2. Auburn
Presidential Candidate: Donald Trump
They’re big, rich and live in the same state as Clinton (do people really forget that Trump is a rich New Yorker?). They’ve also been successful but have actually been caught doing illegal things in the past, much like Trump.
Also, “War Damn Trump” has a nice ring to it.
3. Texas A&M
Presidential Candidate: Rick Perry
First, the Texas connection is obvious.
But, did you know Perry was a “yell leader” at A&M during his college days?
I hope he didn’t meet his wife in college, because if so, she could do much better than that haircut.
4. LSU
Presidential Candidate: Gary Johnson
This LSU Tigers team should be competing more than it has this season, but a series of gaffes have put it in an Aleppo-sized hole in the SEC West. They played well against the goliath in Alabama but failed to come up with any points, much like Johnson will fight valiantly but come up completely empty-handed on Tuesday.
On the surface, it seems like this team should be a great one this season. But scratch beneath the surface and you’ll find a whole lot of trouble you don’t want to deal with.
Also, Louisiana legalized medical marijuana and was actually the first state to technically do so.
5. Arkansas
Presidential Candidate: Chris Christie
If there were a Chris Christie look-alike contest, Bret Bielema would win in a landslide.
6. Florida
Presidential Candidate: Marco Rubio
First, let’s dispel with this fiction that Will Muschamp doesn’t know what he’s doing; he knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s trying to fundamentally change South Carolina after leaving Florida.
After Muschamp’s departure, it seemed like Florida was in a bit of a tailspin that it wouldn’t recover from, like Rubio’s failed presidential candidacy. Now, they’re back to being contenders and could easily make the SEC Championship out of the East, just as Rubio could win re-election to the Senate.
Finally, let’s dispel with this fiction that Will Muschamp doesn’t know what he’s doing; he knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s trying to fundamentally change South Carolina after leaving Florida.
7. Tennessee
Presidential Candidate: Ted Cruz
Their fans/ideas are just as crazy as Auburn/Trump, but they’re not nearly as successful. Think of them as Trump 0.5.
Both are known for their rabid and delusional fanbases, but Alabama has the edge in that department because it’s actually won recently, unlike Tennessee/Cruz.
8. Georgia
Candidate: Carly Fiorina
One of the few candidates with no political experience, Fiorina is much like Georgia head coach Kirby Smart: unqualified for and not good at the job.
Also, Fiorina laid off hundreds of employees when she was at HP, much like Georgia firing Mark Richt, an experienced and well-known coach, after a 9-3 regular season.
9. Olé Miss
Candidate: Jeb! Bush
Going into the season, many predicted this Olé Miss team would challenge for the SEC East title with quarterback Chad “Swag” Kelly under center. Three straight SEC losses and one torn Kelly ACL later, those predictions seem like a distant memory.
Much is the same with Jeb! Bush. Most pundits predicted he would cruise through the primary, setting up a boring general election face-off with Clinton. Then Donald Trump came in like a high school bully and gave Jeb! a big wedgie.
And the Lord said, Please Clap.
10. Kentucky
Presidential Candidate: John Kasich
Like Kasich, Kentucky is good at many things, including basketball.
They just aren’t that good at football, just like Kasich wasn’t that good at running for president.
To their credit, both Kasich and Kentucky exceeded expectations in many ways. They just won’t achieve their ultimate goal.
11. Mississippi State
Presidential Candidate: Jill Stein
Much like Jill Stein, MSU’s cowbells are loud, annoying, crazy and, frankly, no one cares about them.
12. Vanderbilt
Presidential Candidate: Dr. Ben Carson
Dr. Ben Carson and Vanderbilt have a lot in common. Carson is a successful doctor, Vanderbilt has a great medical school. Carson has made a lot of money, Vanderbilt graduates make a lot of money.
But, each has a kryptonite. For Vanderbilt, it’s football. For Dr. Carson, it’s running for president.
They’re just not that good at it.
13. South Carolina
Presidential candidate: Evan McMullin
No one knew who this team was earlier this year, much like nobody had heard of Evan McMullin before he announced his third-party run for president. Neither will do much damage, but each could steal a win or two from the big players in the game down the road.
14. Mizzou
Presidential candidate: Lincoln Chafee
Lol.
Just lol.
