Welcome to “Here for the Wrong Reasons,” where each week I’ll be recapping all of the champagne-guzzling and petty “Can I steal you for a second?”s of the 16th season of “The Bachelorette.” Nothing boosts your confidence about your own love life like watching a bunch of desperate 20-somethings competing for a stranger’s affection! Check in every Wednesday for episode recaps and updates on Tayshia Adams’s journey to become an Instagram influencer find love. Make your picks in Vanderbilt’s (very un)official Bachelorette Fantasy League.
“The Bachelorette” is finally back to normal (well, except for COVID and everything) and wow, it feels good. Last night featured the first Clare and Dale-less episode of the season, and Bachelor Nation took a collective sigh of relief. I think I speak for all of Bachelor Nation when I say, “Don’t call us, Clare, we’ll call you.” The first full episode of Tayshia featured good outfits, fun group dates and a classic bro-off. Things are looking up, guys.
The “grown man” group date
Tayshia is here for a man, not a boy, which is all well and good until you take a look at her prepubescent options. Even the guys in their 30s act like they’re at senior prom. Personally, I can’t think of a real man who describes himself as “grown-ass,” but whatever. The “Bachelor in Paradise” power couple Ashley I. and Jared are the hosts of this group date, putting the guys through spelling and addition tests, a tug-of-war competition and breakfast in bed challenge. The guys’ spelling was atrocious, and most disappointing of all was Harvard graduate (and my future husband) Bennett’s misspelling of limousine as “limosine.” Come on Bennett, that’s a practically a Bachelorette vocab word! Most of the guys go the traditional orange juice and pancakes route in the B&B challenge, and Chasen reminds us that he’s still here by going shirtless under his apron because, apparently, “he is the meal.” Bennett is the obvious winner, trotting out a bathrobe and his Clark Kent glasses and feeding Tayshia beignets from “Château Bennett.” He gets a “Grown-Ass Man” diploma for his efforts, and now we get to finally stop hearing that obnoxious phrase.
Fast-forward to the cocktail party. Bennett shows up in his robe, Chasen has found a (very tight) shirt, Tayshia looks incredible in her strapless dress, and the guys are wearing fewer chains than usual. Overall, no major fashion complaints. Ed totes a baby doll from the group date around with him all night. (He named the baby “Carlos,” in case you were wondering). It’s unclear whether Ed was trying to prove to Tayshia that he would be a good dad or just trying to get camera time, but it made us actually pay attention to him for once, so I guess it worked. Ben and Tayshia make out very noisily, then Ivan appears for the first time this season and brings Tayshia a blindfold to wear while he feeds her strawberries (not chocolate-dipped, which I find offensive). He wins the date rose for it, so I guess we know what Tayshia’s into. Tayshia has been doing this thing where she makes eye contact with and compliments multiple guys while holding the date rose before handing it to the winner. Such a tease, and I love it.
Feud between Ed and Chasen
Ed starts beef with Chasen for being fake and using the same adjectives to describe both Clare and Tayshia, which obviously means that Chasen is a snake playing with Tayshia’s heart. This is pretty unfair considering the fact that they’ve known Tayshia for, like, two seconds, and that Chase admitted to never having been in love before (I mean, that last part checks out). Chasen retorts by telling Ed that he has chicken legs. Forehead Ed tattles on Chasen to Tayshia, which never, ever works, but he did use the phrase “here for the wrong reasons,” so shoutout to this column! Ed continues to yell at Chasen for repeatedly using clichés, which is silly because this show is literally all about clichés, plus we can’t blame Chasen for just being dumb. Tayshia forgives Chasen, to Ed’s massive disappointment. You know what they say…snitches get stitches. For someone whose head and neck are indistinguishable, Ed is really sticking his neck out into other people’s business.
Rose Ceremony and cocktail party
Joe brings Tayshia some delicious looking Korean food (not sure how he procured that while they’re quarantined…maybe Postmates delivers to the La Quinta resort?). Chasen has found a creative new word to describe Tayshia: smokeshow. Go back to your frat basement, Chasen. Is it just me, or does Ed remind you of Jed from Hannah B.’s season? Similar face, similar names, similarly douche-factor. Zac and Tayshia have a really awkward kiss, but she likes him, so it’s fine (unlike with Clare and the other Zac/h/k). Three randos get sent home, and now almost all of the leftover contestants are relevant.
Wrestling Date
Before the next group date, we’re forced to deal with more Ed and Chasen. Unfortunately for us, we get shots of Ed working out like the obnoxious guy at the gym who grunts with every rep. Honestly, his expressions make him look like he’s going into labor. I guess Carlos the baby doll had to come from somewhere?
Anyway, the next group date is a wrestling match, because Tayshia wants to cast out the ~tension~ in the house. Wells Adams, Bachelor Nation icon and resident “Paradise” bartender, arrives to commentate on the wrestling match alongside Chris Harrison. Chasen, our resident word guy, makes an eloquent declaration: “I’m super jazzed up., I’m pumped., I’m stoked.” In a funny COVID-era twist, the wrestling match’s live audience consists of the guys who aren’t on the date instead of Bachelor Nation members who are there for the Snapchat story. Tayshia uses a ketchup bottle of oil to oil up the shirtless guys, which is indisputably a better alternative to strip dodgeball. The guys then square up and try to prove that they have the most testosterone. Jordan gets hit where the sun doesn’t shine, Ben is bleeding, and Ed backs out because of his (definitely fake) shoulder injury.
Noah, one of the post-Clare newcomers, stirs up a new controversy this episode. He jumps a fence (Colton vibes, anyone?) and crashes the wrestling group date. Tayshia rewards this behavior and invites him to the night portion of the date, and the guys are NOT here for it. In the end, Tayshia does us all a favor and asks him to shave his repulsive ‘stache on camera. She’s wearing her first questionable outfit on this date—it’s a strapless jumpsuit that looks like she took a garbage bag and spray painted it gold—but anything is better than Clare’s banana dress from a few episodes ago. Alien-boy Ben is overly confident that he’ll get the group date rose, and Brendan and Tayshia bond over the difficulties of dating over divorce. Mustache-less Noah wins the group date rose, and the other guys clearly wish they could take him back to the wrestling mat.
Ultimately, Tayshia is still a 10/10 Bachelorette in my book. I don’t think she has ever had a fly away in her life. That’s fine, it’s fine, I’m fine. Tune in next week for more of Ed whining, Noah stirring up drama, Bennett reminding us he went to Harvard and Tayshia being #goals.
