Have you ever thought about which rapper the ‘Dores would be if they were a rap group instead of a college football team? We have too, and here’s the result: the definitive rap-group-to-SEC-football-team translator, in the form of our weekly power rankings.
1. Alabama
Rap group equivalent: Wu-Tang Clan
Fan mindset: “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing ta *Mess* Wit”
I have a feeling that eventually we will stop talking about this team as the best team of the year and start talking about it as the best team of the decade. The bye week did nothing but reassure that there is not a team in the country that can hang with them. Like the Wu-Tang, this is an all-star team of goons, dominating their competition and leaving wreckage behind. Needless to say, they are not to be messed with. Also, Jonathan Allen should have been arrested for this play; that left guard has a family.
2. Auburn
Rap group equivalent: Geto Boys
Fan mindset: “Mind Playing Tricks on Me”
Rather quietly, Auburn has vaulted to No. 9 in the nation and has been playing some great football of late. Whereas the Geto Boys had Scarface, an incredibly underrated lyricist and great artist in his own right, Auburn has Carl Lawson, one of the best edge rushers in college football and a semifinalist for the Bednarik award (given to the nation’s best defensive player). And just like the Geto Boys had their Minds Playing Tricks on Them, this team has their fans’ minds tricked into thinking they can beat Bama (They won’t).
3. Texas A&M
Rap group equivalent: The Roots
Fan mindset: “Don’t Feel Right”
In one of the biggest shocks of College Football Playoff ranking history, which isn’t saying much, the Aggies would be in the playoff as the 4-seed if the season ended today,. Make no mistake, the Aggies are a fun, talented football team. Like the Roots, the Aggies have an all-world talent, Myles Garrett (see Questlove), and their only loss is to Alabama. Are they one of the four best teams of the country? That just “Don’t Feel Right.”
4. Florida
Rap group equivalent: A Tribe Called Quest
Fan mindset: “Scenario”
Depending on how they finish, the Florida Gators might salvage the reputation of the worst division in the Power Five. They are second in the country, behind only Michigan, in total defense and points allowed per game. A Tribe Called Quest, one of the most important rap groups of the 90s, has a song in which they rap about scenario, which reminded me of a lot of Florida fans online pondering scenarios that could get the Gators into the College Football Playoff. Unfortunately, all of them involve the city of Tuscaloosa getting infected with the black plague, and that might not be enough (see Allen’s play above).
5. LSU
Rap group equivalent: D12
Fan mindset: “My Band”
In the D12 song, “My Band,” the group makes fun of the fact that the media did not care about anyone in the group except Eminem. This is also the soundtrack to Leonard Fournette’s career at LSU. The team is rather uninteresting without him, but when he’s there, it’s special. On another note, Ed Orgeron is the best interim coach of the decade. He was 6-1 as an interim coach at USC in 2013 and is undefeated this year so far. Unfortunately for him, the Tigers play Alabama this week and they’re going to lose.
6. Arkansas
Rap group equivalent: The Diplomats
Coach mindset: “Dipset Anthem”
After a game two weeks ago in which Auburn ran for 543 yards, the Razorbacks will look to rebound against Florida, which reminds me of the old Gator-Razorback matchups with Tim Tebow and Darren McFadden. This also reminds me of The Diplomats, an East coast rap group of the early 2000s. Though I have a special place for them in my heart, in reality, their style was a little belated and as lyricists they were lacking. Wait, belated style? Lack of talent? Sounds like a certain college football team in Fayetteville.
7. Ole Miss
Rap group equivalent: UGK (Underground Kings)
Fan Mindset: “Too Hard To Swallow”
In a parallel universe, the Rebels are first in the SEC West and looking at a playoff berth. Unfortunately for Ole Miss, a world in which it doesn’t habitually blow fourth-quarter leads can’t exist. It’s simply their nature. That being said, I decided that one of the most iconic southern schools deserved one of the most iconic southern rap duos. If Bun B and Pimp C were the Underground Kings, perhaps at 3-5 Chad Kelly and Hugh Freeze can lay their claim as the “Under .500 Kings.”
8. Georgia
Rap group equivalent: Migos
Fan mindset: “Pipe It Up”
Back to the dumpster fire. This Georgia group is really struggling. They were held to 164 yards of offense against Florida and lost their fourth game out of five, falling to fourth in the SEC East. The offense is truly abysmal, and Nick Chubb doesn’t look like half the player he was a year ago. This week they face a Kentucky team that apparently is not waiting for basketball season. More on them later. Either way, this Georgia team is bad. You know who else is bad? Migos. And they’re from Georgia too; perfect match!
9. South Carolina
Rap group equivalent: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
Fan Mindset: “Good Vibrations”
In an incredible turn of events, this South Carolina team could make a bowl game. The defense is playing better, and by beating Tennessee on Saturday Will Muschamp went to 5-0 all-time against the Vols. This also marks the first time since 2014 that USC has won back-to-back games. All the Gamecocks need to do is beat Mizzou in the SEC Stink Bowl and FCS Western Carolina in two weeks and they will find themselves in a bowl game. They’ve got some good vibrations going, and now that chorus is stuck in your head.
10. Kentucky
Rap group equivalent: Shop Boyz
Fan Mindset: “Party Like a Rockstar”
Kentucky might play Alabama in the SEC Championship Game. Let me say it louder, KENTUCKY MIGHT PLAY ALABAMA IN THE SEC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME. Maybe I’m overreacting, but this is a real possibility. UK needs to beat Georgia and Tennessee and have Florida lose to Arkansas and LSU. I doubt this will happen, but I would have also doubted that the Shop Boyz, two objectively terrible rappers, would have made a “Rock ‘n’ Rap” album, an objectively terrible idea, created this garbage, an objectively terrible song, and turned it into an objectively massive hit. If the Shop Boyz can do that, then anything is possible. So go Party Like a Rockstar, UK fans. Maybe basketball season can wait.
11. Vanderbilt
Rap group equivalent: DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
Fan mindset: “Parents Just Don’t Understand”
Want to hear an incredible statistic? Vanderbilt is tied for last place in the FBS in passing touchdowns with four on the season. Four. The ‘Dores have also managed to rank 82nd in rushing offense and 121st in total offense. These aren’t poor offensive numbers, they’re putrid. And what better way to describe this football team than with the least offensive rap group in music history: DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince. An ode to when music was pure, but I digress. They face Auburn this week and, although the defense will have its hands full against Auburn’s rushing attack, it may not matter what it does if the offense continues to be this anemic.
12. Mississippi State
Rap group equivalent: LMFAO
Thank goodness for the Bulldogs. If it weren’t for them, we may actually have had to remove the SEC East from the conference. To put it bluntly, they’re bad. They have no strengths, and head coach Dan Mullen often seems as lost as the players are. It’s only fair they get compared to the greatest accident in music history. No one will ever sway from the position that LMFAO was simply a parody that went too far. I simply won’t accept that the nephew of Berry Gordy Jr., one of the most influential players in the development of Motown, could make “Party Rock Anthem.”
Perhaps this is how fans in Starkville feel about that Week 1 loss to South Alabama at home. Regardless, their next two games are against Texas A&M and Alabama. May God have mercy on their souls.
13. Missouri
Rap group equivalent: Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em
Fan Mindset: “Yahhh!”
Firstly, as a rule of thumb, I don’t address schools by their nicknames until they have won a conference game. Secondly, Missouri’s defense is the kind of horror you hide from your kids when they’re young and have deep conversations about with them once they are of appropriate age. Over the Tigers’ last four games, all losses, they have given up an average of more than 340 rushing yards and 595 yards overall.
There’s only one kind of hideousness that comes close: Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em. Just typing those words made my skin crawl. One day, when we are all old, it’s quite possible that future generations will want answers for these calamities. Who was Missouri’s defensive coordinator and why was he getting paid? Further, why was it acceptable to reveal these odious displays to the masses? Lastly, why, as a society, did we sit back and watch as “Pretty Boy Swag” and “Speakers Going Hammer” were accepted as realities of modern music and not the atrocities that they were. I don’t know how I will answer those questions. But I do know that the University of Missouri has four SEC games left to remove themselves from the gutter of the SEC Least.
N/A Tennesee
Rap group equivalent: White Girl Mob
We’ve been told of the existence of these two savage frights. Yet, we do not have sufficient evidence to accept their existences as real. For the sake of mankind, I pray that this remains the case.