(Hustler Multimedia/Emery Little)
(Hustler Multimedia/Emery Little)

Here for the Wrong Reasons: Episode 5 of ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 16

A recap of the fifth episode of the latest season.

November 11, 2020

Welcome to “Here for the Wrong Reasons,” where each week I’ll be recapping all of the champagne-guzzling and petty “Can I steal you for a second?”s of the 16th season of “The Bachelorette.” Nothing boosts your confidence about your own love life like watching a bunch of desperate 20-somethings competing for a stranger’s affection! Check in every Wednesday for episode recaps and updates on Tayshia Adams’s journey to become an Instagram influencer find love. Make your picks in Vanderbilt’s (very un)official Bachelorette Fantasy League.

 

Pop open a bottle and crank up the music—last night, Clare was tossed to the curb like last season’s fashion, and no one is sad to see her go. After what felt like an eternity (but was really just four episodes), Tayshia finally graced our T.V. screens and did she look good doing it. I’m already more invested in her journey to find love than Clare’s because this woman seems like she has her priorities in order (or at least won’t pounce on the first ex-NFL player she sees). 

Tayshia has kissed plenty of frogs before—her ex-husband, Colton (the certified stalker) and the infamous John Paul Jones (JPJ) on “Bachelor in Paradise,” to name a few—but she’s convinced that her prince is waiting for her at La Quinta Resort. I’m skeptical of anyone who thinks they’re going to find true love on a reality show, but Tayshia has a good head on her shoulders (at least compared to Clare, whose head is floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere), so I’m excited to see what happens. For my own personal reasons, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that JPJ makes an appearance…

While we might have a new Bachelorette, that doesn’t mean everything has changed—the bulk of the guys are, unfortunately, still insisting on wearing chains, and some have graduated to full-length necklaces. I still can’t remember half of these guys’ names, even though the producers have decided that we don’t need the little pop-up subheads with their details anymore. Note to producers: we still really, really need those. My friends and I have had to opt for catchy nicknames to keep them all straight; at least gossiping about “Alien Man” and “Off-brand Matthew McConaughey” is a lot more interesting than discussing “Ed” and “Joe.” 

This cocktail party is a pretty good one. “Alien Man” slow dances with Tayshia, very romantic, 10/10. Kenny still can’t button his shirt, definitely because he wants to show off his god-awful chest tattoo, 0/10. In the middle of a conversation with Brendan, the self-proclaimed “weirdo in a turtleneck,” Chris Harrison appears to steal Tayshia away and, I could be wrong, but I think Tayshia might have a panic button to summon Chris when she’s over talking to a guy. 

 

The New Guys In Town

  • Spencer, 30, water treatment engineer, California. He gets the first impression rose, so all the other guys now have beef with him. In all fairness, the first thing out of his mouth to the other guys was “Which one of you guys scared off Clare?” so I guess the beef is warranted.
  • Montel, 30, gym owner, Boston. Tried to copy Eazy’s incredible salmon suit from earlier this season but failed epically by wearing a jacket that was two sizes too big.
  • Peter, 32, real estate agent, who-knows Massachusetts. Broad shoulders, tailored suit, yes please!
  • Noah, 25, traveling nurse, Oklahoma. This man has the most aggressive stache this show has ever seen. Swipe left.

 

Splashball Date

Even with a new Bachelorette, we can’t seem to get away from semi-naked sports this season. While not nearly as controversial as Clare’s strip dodgeball date, absolutely no one asked to watch 10 guys play pool basketball in Speedos. My guess is that this nudity trend is a misguided attempt to address this show’s history of sexism—objectification is fine if you objectify people of all genders, right?—but clearly the “Bachelorette” producers did not get the memo that Speedos are not to men as bikini bottoms are to women. 

Tayshia, for her part, does not mind the view. These guys have a lot of tattoos, and we get a good look at the birds Jordan C. has inked on each of his pecs. Props to Spencer for busting his lip, because that means he gets some extra TLC from Tayshia. During the cocktail party, Eazy and Tayshia confess that they both feel “giddy” about each other, and she gives him the date rose. I ship it. Side note, we learn that Riley has anger management issues. Riley calls Spencer “lunch meat” and tells him that “if you want to f*** with me, we can go,” and I found it very entertaining that a guy of Riley’s attractiveness caliber (read: not cute) has so much confidence. Oh, to have the confidence of a mediocre straight man.

 

Jason

Poor Jason still hasn’t healed from opening up his heart and soul to Clare (by revealing that he is a total player and used to be 100 pounds heavier). After whining about how he’s “hanging on by a piece of floss” all episode, he breaks down talking to his “bros” and goes to give Tayshia what he thinks is the greatest let-down of her life: he’s leaving the show because he still has feelings for Clare. Tayshia pretends to be sad but truly could not care less. Meanwhile, Clare is probably like, “Jason who?”

 

One-on-one with Brendan

As expected, Tayshia is already killing it—in classic “Bachelor” fashion, she picks up Brendan for their date on horseback—so much more romantic than Clare’s therapy session date with Jason. Brendan and Tayshia ride around on their horses drinking margaritas, and while drinking while riding is probably not legal in most states, they seem to be having the time of their lives. Chris Harrison does a weird little scooter-riding gimmick, and Brendan is pissed that Chris keeps popping up when he’s getting close to kissing Tayshia. I don’t think that kissing is physically feasible while on two separate horses, but a guy can dream. At dinner, Brendan (no longer wearing a turtleneck, by the way) reveals that he got married and divorced at a young age, which…wait for it…Tayshia did, too! They have so much in common already.

 

Clare and Dale (again, ugh)

Someone buy Chris Harrison a new thermometer because I think his is broken. He did not take Bachelor Nation’s temperature accurately and gave us an entirely unsolicited follow-up on Clare and Dale. Major takeaways: Clare has baby fever; Dale got her number after they were already engaged; Clare’s bar for men is so low that it’s literally underground; Clare’s doctor botched her forehead Botox job and literally no one cares. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, lovebirds.

 

Although this episode was kind of a potpourri of random moments, I think it’s by far the best of the season based on the fact that I didn’t once want to throw my remote at the screen. Even if Tayshia can never top her performance running down the beach after JPJ on “Paradise,” it’s safe to say that we should all bow down to Queen Adams. Here’s to hoping that she finds her happily ever after. 

 

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