Welcome to “Here for the Wrong Reasons,” where each week I’ll be recapping all of the champagne-guzzling and petty “Can I steal you for a second?”’s of Season 7 of “Bachelor in Paradise.” Nothing boosts your confidence about your own love life like watching a bunch of desperate 20-somethings competing for a stranger’s affection! Check in every Tuesday (or Wednesday, because this season is wilding) for episode recaps and updates on your favorite “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” rejects’ journeys to become Instagram influencers find love.
“Winds in the east, mist comin’ in like somethin’ is brewin’ … and ’bout to begin.” You might not expect it, but this Mary Poppins lyric accurately sums up this weekend’s episode: there is quite literally a tropical storm brewing in Sayulita, Mexico. I won’t lie—other than that, this week’s episode was pretty f*cking boring.
GSJ and Kendall
Kendall Long was in her bag this week. She goes to Wells’ bar and cries about how she’s still not over her ex-boyfriend, a.k.a. the love of my life, Grocery Store Joe (GSJ), which is understandable because he’s adorable. The issue is that, uh, if you have to go on a dating show to win back the man you met on said dating show, that relationship is probably not the vibe. No matter what Kendall might want to think, GSJ has moved on to Serena, whether she likes it or not (trust me, Kendall, I’m jealous too). Kendall finally seems to understand this after a teary convo with GSJ—who is wearing socks with sandals, but we’ll look past that—and chooses to self-eliminate. She bids a quick goodbye to sweetie cutie Ivan, who, much like all of Bachelor Nation, seems to have forgotten that they were an item. Better luck next time, Kendall.
Lil Jon takes a vibe check
Yeahhhh! Our resident rapper, Lil Jon, decides to take a moment to read the vibe on the beach, and he proclaims that it is very off. To remedy this, Lil Jon brings in Ed Waisbrot, Chasen’s sworn enemy from Tayshia’s season, and Demar Jackson, also from Tayshia’s season. While the addition of these two was rather anticlimactic, I am absolutely thrilled that I get to make fun of Forehead Ed again. To paint the picture for readers who haven’t yet met him, Aaron aptly noted, “Ed’s legs are like two thick Christmas hams.” Natasha started foaming at the mouth when she saw Eyebrows Ed and, while her desperation is valid, she’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one. Appetizing. Lucky for her, Ed’s ham thighs ask her out on a date. Merry Christmas, Natasha!
Demar sets his sights on both Chelsea and Maurissa, making Aaron and Riley, respectively, pee their pants. Aaron, who could be the poster child for toxic masculinity, tries to shake it off and look like he’s not simping (he does not pull it off). It’s tougher for Riley, since he and Maurissa are basically in a committed relationship at this point, and Maurissa had initially hoped to meet Demar on the beach. Riley is one step away from pissing around Maurissa to claim his territory, but Demar invites Chelsea on the date instead. Crisis averted.
The double date
Demar and Chelsea, accompanied by short king Ed and Natasha, attend an art class. The only catch is that the canvases are each other. (For loyal readers, you’ll remember my thoughts on Zac and Tayshia’s body painting date.) Demar and Chelsea bond over having dyed hair and hoop earrings, while Natasha finally gets the romantic champagne toast and kiss she’s been dying for. “Hallelujah, the vibes are here!” she says. Happy for you, girl.
Kenny and Mari
You’ve heard of body shots, but have you heard of body tacos? Let me explain. Kenny gets a date card and invites Mari, since the love square is officially dead. As we all know, Kenny is incapable of keeping his clothes on, so the date obviously involves some stripping. In a savory contrast to Riley and Maurissa’s whipped cream date, Kenny and Mari arrive at dinner at a nearby resort, only to find out that they’ll be making their own dinner. Not only are they their own chefs, but they’re their own plates, as well! Between the human plates and the human canvases, ABC’s budget must be tight these days. Kenny is up first, so Mari adorns him with tortillas, meat and other taco fixings, before she lathers sour cream all over his body like sunscreen. If you happened to be eating while reading this, I offer my sincerest apologies.
Next, it was Mari’s turn, and it was honestly a relief to see her take her clothes off, because the crop top and detached laced sleeves combo she was wearing was HEINOUS. Mari makes a lovely joke about how Kenny wants to “eat her tacos,” and apparently, this was the right time for the two to declare their love. “It’s so weird because we haven’t been here very long, but I’ve fallen in love with Kenny,” Mari said. Yes, it is weird, Mari. Kenny stammers his reciprocation like a middle schooler talking to his first crush, which is honestly pretty cute. Obviously, this budding romance has to be consummated, so they head to the Boom Boom Room to … well, eat tacos.
Maurissa and Riley
Maurissa isn’t loving Riley’s emotional unavailability, so they chat about it. Riley explains that he closes himself off because of his difficult family history and nearly breaks down doing it. Maurissa comforts and encourages him, and it’s in this touching moment that I realize they may—emphasis on may—actually be here for the right reasons. Mind-boggling.
Noah and Abigail
Despite their utter lack of screen time this season, our unproblematic faves are still a thing. Noah sets up a hammock and he and Abigail share some margaritas while snuggled up in it.
Doctor Joe’s breakdown
Dorky Doctor Joe has officially taken over Connor the Cat’s sad ukulele-playing shtick. He should’ve taken a page out of Connor’s grooming book instead, because his hair is looking pretty wack.
The storm starts brewing
It’s a rainy day in Paradise, and three producers interrupt the cast casually hanging out. (When the “Bachelor in Paradise” crew appears on camera, you know that sh*t’s about to go down.) The producers tell them that there’s a tropical storm “rapidly approaching,” and they’ve got to pack their bags and evacuate STAT. Since the producers obviously had to make the announcement dramatic to get the best content, they conveniently omit the detail that the cast will be going to a hotel, rather than getting sent home. Someone should’ve told Serena and GSJ, because they’re making out like the world is about to end.
The editing team clearly doesn’t know how to stitch together a plot line, because all of a sudden, the cast is returning to the beach without a single explanation. It’s almost like the “tropical storm” was manufactured …
It’s time to day drink! Because what do these people do better? As Lil Jon welcomes the cast back to the beach, we get some tea: “My first time on the show meant a lot to me, and I’m realizing this time might, you know, mean a little more,” GSJ said. Kendall is sobbing and throwing popcorn at her TV screen.
The women are handing out the roses this week, and four men are on the chopping block. James and “tatty daddy” Blake (gag) are vying for Tia’s rose, and it’s a tricky decision. Tia likes that bad boy Blake rides a motorcycle and makes her vagina have a “freaking dance party.” She calls him out for being a slacker, and he whines about her audacity to ask him to, you know, show affection. James gets brownie points for painting some driftwood to represent their hometowns, and while he’s not exactly the next Picasso, Tia is definitely touched.
Aaron and Demar are competing for Chelsea’s rose when all of a sudden, Ivan comes out of left field. Aaron, in his typical fit of rage, accuses Ivan of “rose-hunting” and they get all up in each other’s faces.
The episode suddenly ends there, with a teaser of what promises to be a pretty epic bro-off, and a potential revocation of Ivan’s “sweetie cutie” title. Buckle in, Bachelor Nation, because next week’s episode is a fat three hours long and things are spicing up in Paradise. Until next Tuesday!